My birthday is the 22nd of August. I’m a firm believer in the meanings of birthdays and star signs and all of that hippie dippie shit. According to The Secret Language of Birthdays, my “strengths” are: imaginative, seasoned and patient. Whe I read this, I was shocked because I feel like my lack of patience would have been a “weakness” of mine. My father on the other hand, is the most patient person I know and for this, I really look up to him. “Patience” keeps coming up in my life, particularly in my tarot card readings. The answer is always, patience. In this day and age, I am heavily influenced by the speed at which I can access anything, but I’ve found that by taking a second to chill, write and detach from my cyber life, I can feel myself becoming a more patient person. I am starting to truly trust the direction that I am going in because my mind is clearer. Things take time.
· Have you eaten green vegetables today?
· Have you gone for a walk outside? Even to the cornerstore?
· Have you laughed at yourself recently?
· Have you set aside time to yourself today?
· Have you exercised recently?
· Have you told your mum and dad that you love them?
· Have you completed a simple act of kindness to someone today?
· Have you written down what you are grateful for today?
· Have you put your phone down yet?
· Have you learnt something exciting and new?
I’ve graduated from acting school, started writing a book, seen my family, ran into the same guy for a third time, been researching visas, had boxing classes, drank a lot of alcohol, met some fun people, got into a bar that I’m banned from, got kicked out of the bar that I am banned from, been journaling a lot, been taking photos, been researching photographers, had sex, changed the position of the rings on my fingers, eaten quite a bit of Indian food, lied on the grass in the sun at Dumbo, laughed a heck of a lot, drank a lot of tea, vacuumed my room badly, met up with friends I haven’t seen in a while, ate heaps of tim tams, booked flights to Miami, laughed at myself, danced, yelled out my window.
I cannot stress enough how much better I feel after some good quality alone time. I went through a phase really recently of being constantly surrounded by people so much that I forgot to take time to be in solitude. Recently, I’ve gotten back on the loner wagon and my visions, goals and even music taste has become so much clearer and improved. I find such pleasure in writing, researching interesting topics, watching documentaries and honing my (amateur) guitar (skills). When I haven’t written in my journal for three or four days or I am still playing the same songs that I learnt a week ago, is a dead give away that I haven’t had enough down time. I recently got a real bedroom door. Best. Decision. Ever.
All right, let’s talk about Tinder.
I happen to think that it’s a fun app! I don’t have the app right now, but I did last week. I go through phases of fucking hating it and deleting it and then to actually finding it amusing. To be honest, I’ve met some pretty entertaining people off it and I’ve met A LOT of guys who share mutual friends as well… I’m still yet to decide if this is a good or bad thing. I don’t frown upon the app like I did a few years ago. I mean what’s the worst that can happen? Okay, so you might match with a foot fetish serial killer and if that’s the case, be careful. Well, I’m on a tinder detox. I’ve had enough of meeting folks who are friends with the Tinder fellow I met up with a week before. It’s all a bit too incestuous for me.
Something I have just started to do recently is go to a bar for a solo beverage. I never thought that I would be the type of person to do this because I am such a fucking awkward human being, BUT I’ve actually found it sort of fun in the dorkiest way possible. I don’t know if this makes me sound like a middle-aged business man or not, but solo drinking and dancing adventures have proved to be really…really fun. Okay, maybe this makes me sound like I have no friends anymore, but the truth is, it started happening when my rehearsal schedule changed to Thursday-Sunday so on my CRAZY Monday nights, not many of my friends could afford to go out, so I decided to “yolo” and go for it. I’ve had some pretty interesting encounters and I’ve made a lot of friends with the bartenders… Yeah… I’m that person.
This month, I’ve just graduated from acting school. The first week of freedom was filled with family and celebration and eating out at fancy restaurants so I felt pretty distracted from any stress that I was feeling. Exactly a week after graduation, once my family had gone back to Brisbane, I couldn’t sleep. I was tossing and turning and finally managed to get to sleep at about 3 am, but woke up again at 5 am. I was filled with a huge amount of apprehension because I wasn’t sure what the hell I was doing with my life next… I am still feeling this way. Now that I have graduated, I have one more year that I can legally stay in the USA before applying for a visa and this is what scares me the most. I don’t know exactly what my plan is or whether I want to do acting or photography because I can’t really do both with my visa application. (The system is a shit show). It’s safe to say; I have never felt this vulnerable in my life. Everything is up to me now and no one really cares if I do nothing with my whole year and move back home, but I do. I really, really care. I’m looking at this intense vulnerability in my life as my biggest motivation and I really believe that it’s important to go through these major life changes to push you to work hard and develop a deeper trust in yourself. I’m hella scared HAHA
I could have chosen "Weed", but weed is shit and anyone who knows me knows I hate it.
I am a big wisher. Like I will sit in my room and wish for shit to happen like for me to run into the boy I like or for the boy I like to text me or for me to not like the boy I like, but for him to like me. See a trend? I came to the realisation (Yes, I know, I am coming to many realisations this year) that wishing is so pointless. There have been times that I have wished so hard for something and it has actually come true and I’ve been THAT stunned, for example, one time I was standing in the shower, wishing so hard to cross paths with this one dude so I could finally explain to him in person that I am not a complete idiot. When I finished my shower, I was in my room and heard a skate boarder on the road crash into something so I looked out my window. As I looked out my window, I saw the dude that I wanted to run into, walk into the café under my apartment. Now, by this point, I pretty much turned into a dog when they are in their hyper running around on furniture mood, but not because I was excited, but because I was totally freaked out. I took it as a sign and walked down to the café on my way to the subway and… I walked… straight… passed… it. I didn’t have the courage to go in. I then realized I forgot my work folder and had to run back to get it. Did I forget it because something up there was giving me a second chance to not be a coward? Well… even if it was, I walked straight passed him in the café again. Anyway, the point of the story is, did it really come true because I wished for it, or was it going to happen anyway? I mean, I didn’t do anything about it anyway, so even if my wish came true, I can’t just rely on that to make it all okay, it’s up to me to MAKE A MOVE. I’m going to stop wishing and start doing – make plans, take action, muster up the courage to DO something if you WANT something. You can’t just wish to be a famous movie star, I mean, you can but it’s kind of pointless unless you are taking actions to be that famous movie star. Don’t rely on the fantasy of wishing, though I must admit, it was a pretty cool story.
Seriously, what other word starts with X?
If you are reading this, you are in your prime time, my friend. Unless, you are my parents age and in that case, you probably are one of my parents and in THAT case, mum, dad, don’t feel disheartened.
Right now, I am looking out the window at one of the apartments opposite me and I can see a group of friends cooking breakfast together with their windows open and their laughter coming all the way into my window. They are all looking scruffy in their pj’s and having a bloody ball. It’s these kind of things that make me so happy to be the age that I am, surrounded by the friends that I have. There is not a better time to wake up after a hectic night out and call your best friend and laugh about the horrible decisions you’ve both made. There is not a better time than to blast your favorite music on the loudest speakers you own and dance through your apartment like a lunatic. As I said before, it’s a very vulnerable time for me, but it only takes a few friends laughing in the window opposite me to remind me that it’s going to be ay-okay in the end.
I love being alone and finding my zen. Sometimes it’s hard to remember to chill the fuck out, but writing is something that does it for me. So does listening to my own thoughts playlist on the subway. I have been craving the beach though because when times get hectic, that is where I would like to be the most and sometimes being in the city gets very overwhelming and I just need to lie on a grassy field or hot sand. THANKFULLY, I am going to Miami tomorrow! I can’t wait to lie on the sand and day dream all day.
How I chill out and find my zen:
- Writing in my journal.
- Using the Headspace app.
- Learning new songs on guitar.
- Listening to my soft music – Own Thoughts on Spotify.
- Drawing skulls.
- Watching Independent films. Some good ones that I’ve recently watched are: American Honey (Favorite), Boyhood, Already Tomorrow In Hong Kong & 6 Years (Although it’s kind of evil), Diary of a Teenage Girl.
- Watching Documentaries. My favorite is Alive Inside – honestly, the most amazing doco I’ve watched.
- Looking up the latest music gigs that are happening around me.
- Boxing – Seriously the most therapeutic and tough workout.
- Lying in the sun.
- Researching things that I don't know about.
Thank you for reading!